this isnt really for anyone else. this is simply the ramblings of a (ok if im honest, not really drunk anymore) drunk. so...whatever.

you know...i remember when i could easily handle all the pratfalls,pitfalls,and precarious poop piles left in my presence. nothing could touch me. i was a superstar. a rockstar. i was untouchable and the very envy of all the world. i had what everyone, since man kind realized there was more than just one of him, has wanted. i had the most romantic and sought after meaning of everything that comes after the number one. i had existed as one and done so well that i had convinced the fates taht yes...indeed...it was time to add another to the mix. no more of this sleeping alone. suffering alone. being happy alone. laughing alone. standing,sitting,crying, drinking, eating, enjoying, feeling, missing, hurting, healing, wanting, wishing, waiting, and trying...alone. not only did they decide that i did not have to do all this alone...but i could experience the greatest companion. a friend no mstter which of these previous events happend upon my way. a lover. a forgiver. a hugger and a kisser. a supporter. an ear. a set of arms and a set of legs all fullfilling the purpose of holding and squeezing and being held and being squeezed. with this by ones side how could any man fail. failing,hurting, and loneliness fall from ones vocabulary and enter a state of forgoten. nothing could touch me. i was a superstar. a rockstar. i was untouchable and the very envy of all the world. i could cope.

more than all that...i remember when you felt like a rockstar. a superstar. all because of me. i could comfort and i could calm. i could make her smile just by the wink of an eye. i dont know what to do without that.

i can not cope.

anyway...to all those listening...good night.

Los bastardos was tonight as fun as ever. i can seem to shake this sickness. the cramping and dizzy spells all the more present as the day progresses. i went home early today. guilt sewen years ago blooms for the absence. and im not really sure way im speeking this way. anyway...ive never been one to take off of work for being sick. i hate doing so even if necessary. i always end up feeling like i could have toughed it out or something. in all fairness iwas slotted to work 15 hours today.
in other news:
the deer sightings continue day and night now. what the fuck do they mean? such injuries. so much pain. i see them writh on the side of roads and paths. in parking lots and fields.
i hate this winter...give me a real winter. i want my skin to burn bitter when i walk to the store from my car. i want to need to wear 13 layers of thermals everyday and sleep under 27 blankets. and slippers for everyone. i want a real winter when the landscape is fresh every morning and there is honest work in the clearing of this snow everymorning or else if laziness is chosen the penalty is not leaving. i want my eyes to freeze and the comoradory that devlopes in this kind of cold. i want it to be that everywhere you go theres a sence of "we're in this together my friend" and "we will survive this" i want coats and gloves i want 2 or 3 layers of socks. i want the frozen fog in the trees and foot tracks in the morning.
i still am so sad.
i dont want this christmas. i cant handle it and i have no real capacity for dealing with such. yes it will be good. yes i will see my family. for this i am more excited that you could possibly imagine. its been to long. i wonder if my mom still makes those stupid pancakes shaped like deer and santa. i love those pancakes. i wonder if they still open the stockings then breakfast then presents. but this is 2006 and so to every plus there must be an inequal downside. a two devil special with the purchase of any angel this year offer good till 2007. i like how i have spent the past few christmases. i like the family i had them with. i liked everything about sleeping next to her and knowing that when i awoke...it would be christmas with my baby. but there it is isnt it? my baby. god, that's where it all spins isnt it? a phone call will never compare to the excitment the comfort the laughter or the stress. the calming notion that these are just your first christmases together.that this is barely even the begining of all of it. i havnt gotten her a gift this year. i feel like there are times that i dont even know this new(or as she claims old) her. i am still brain storming. searching and pondering searching and pondering. man im an asshole. what are you doing rhys.
more on this rant later...im really fucking tired so ill finish this some other time.

So after a horrific bar close at the resturant tonight i get home to find no one in the mood to hang out. off to the open mic.

suddenly as im on stage fucking around my boss and his wife(my other boss) walk in. kinda fun. i told them about it but i didnt actually think they would come down. intrest is nice. afterwards jesse, phil, and i are off to phils ladies house for some homemade wine, brandy, and guitar playing. just hanging out laughing and passing the wine/guitar back and forth. such a nice contrast from work. afterwords as everyone starts to leave(except phil...he has unfinished business we were told) its off for me to george webb for a denver omlet and some coffee...my god have i missed that coffee. its not the same with out the cigarette chasser but damn is it good. i even ask for a togo cup.
after the coffee(so damn good) and the omlet(perfect...with little burnt bits and all) i get home and i think my room as been gone through.
wierd.

all and all it was a nice day.

I spent alot of time alone today. Well... i guess it wasnt alot of time maybe only 4 or 5 hours. Driving here. Shoping there. i ate some wonderfull chinese food made by a very old and sassy non english speaking woman. So good.

in other news...
ther deer hallucinations are back. ill be driving along minding my own business and then suddenly a grey deer appears in the road and gets hit. ripped in half the death is not pleasent to view. or other times a herd of these misty deer will run across the road narrowly missing any oncomign traffic only to short a jump over a fence and break its neck. or close line itself on a telephone pole support cable to meet much the same end. the only reason i know they are not real is the color and when i pull over or run to the culvert there is no carcass to be found. i have no clue what these visions mean. i dont know why ive had them for about the past five years.

so...anyway...

here's the reason...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAaZGUGXTiw

it's always chaming/irritating beyond all fucking belief when a person is both the reason you want nothing more than to push on and the reason you think you should just quit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VR4e5j9Q_0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JYvCc5FCuw

so i manage to keep myself busy. today was a refreshingly jam packed day of work, more work, hard fucking work out, teaching, and an open mic where it is always nice to feel enjoyed. more than myself that i kept busy...i kept my mind busy for most of it. it was nice. production and effort. no sence of regret or self hatred or hatred for being(melodramatic). it was nice. ive missed feeling productive i havent felt that way since tri county. god that was a better time.
anyway...
i get home after the open mic and the pain all sets in. all of it. i cant keep it at bay. i dont know what to do with it with any of it and i find myself suddenly wanting nothing more than to be held for a bit.(i really hate how fucking emo ive become these late 2006 months) im so lonely i suddenly remember. i am always uncomfortable and i dont know how to handle myself. i shut down all but the vital systems and keep trudging along. i do the job thats infront of me. and thats all it is. no feeling no emoting about any of it. just keep on task just get this done. just keep doing that. and so here we go... another cold night and another night of waking up alone again and again and again. but hey...that's what has been decided(not by me) so...i do the job that is infront of me. i just wish i had my silver cigar case right now. god i could use a sleep in arms.

ok...i know why she thinks im a liar...i lied. i know why she thinks ive kissed other girls...i told her i kissed other girls. i have no fucking clue where this latest whathaveyou is comming from. i dont know who the fuck is saying this and i dont know why. i left appleton for four fucking days. i come home to this? i dont fucking get it.
what am i supposed to say to something like this? what am i supposed to do? i have no ground to stand(i lied about the couch) i know what i have and have not done. i just seem to be the only one who gives a flying fuck what i think about it. i am so sick and tired of this nonstop crap.

a vague memeory being tackled in imperative hug. kisses landing out of need, longing. am i still asleep? her skin is so warm. her neck her shoulders. her eyes so searching for hope and understanding.
i remember the nights on spring street. that small bed and those warm nights. clinging to each other no matter the temperature. her hair was always in my face those days. that amazing hair. for some reason it never mattered the shampoo or conditioner she used, becuase at the end of the day as we curled together shaping ourselves around the one we loved, cherished, it always smelled the same. like her.
or
im in perkins, walking toward the last booth in the smoking section. brunette hair pulled to two buns. there's that neck again. so kissable. i walk around the table. she already has her coffee. the plan is to get together and read. write. draw. instead. the books never open and the pens never fly. we talk for hours, feet teasing each other. our legs were always touching the begining. they still do everynow and then and i always feel a charge run up my spine. i feel like a god when our legs touch. a hero. hands discovering hands exploring all the old scars and chiped nails. the things that identify us as us. they fit. perfectly they fit. the night ends and we walk to say goodbye. im desperate to leave becuse i have so far managed to not say or do anything to cause this woman, those eyes, those hands, that laugh, to turn away. a kiss is givin. one kiss. this is the kiss einstein was looking for. time bends at our will. "if i kiss you...the sun will rise" hours or minutes leaning on a prism. natural. it just goes. like a chain reaction not stoping. "this is what is supposed to be. this is supposed to happen" "this is WHY" i dont remember the drive back to unfreedom. i dont even remember sleeping.
or
i no longer need to find strengh. ive been looking for it in the present. basing it on what is going on now. this moment the next moment. that is not my strengh. the moment changes...well...momemnt to moment. those moments above DO NOT CHANGE. they are more rejuvinating more hope and promise filled than any future or any now. that is where the confidence lays. this is not to say..."stay in the past" but rather" these are the things your steeling yourself for. this is why this is worth it. thoses moments are the reason for patience. those are where i aim. not now not this. im tired of a Cohen existence "all i ever learnd from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you" i lay down my arms. i will walk beside you. smiling. loving. patient. i found it again. i dont think its too late (you always did think i was a fool ;) ) i hold no bitterness. you have given me my most cherished times. you have given me everything.

what a fucked day. blessings here and damnation there.

dont know if i have a job. might have a couple more. started out pleasant...no...better than pleasent, down right enjoyable. you came to me asking to hang out. you suggested one of our favorites. did you just want to destroy it,one of our places? another chance to remind me that i cost both you and i everything we had built and wanted for us? i know what i have cost you i know what i have done to myself. i hate it. i hate me. i get it. i dont want to live with it, however i did it...so its mine to carry. you get to blame someone else, you get that luxury. you get to try and rebuild, recover, relearn. you can rebuild a blown up building. hell, you can even relocate it. but you cant glue back together the dynamite used. i never wanted this to happen to us. you can argue my choices all you want and believe me i will feel like shit for it. but i want you to remember that it cost you me, but it cost me you, my friends, my house, my desire to do anything, my reason to do anything, my pride, and my joy. you have shoulders to cry on. real lifetime honest ta goodness friends to turn to. a family close by to help you emotionally, fiscally, and provide a place to go. you will continue to decide what is a lie and what is not. i can not fight in my defense. you can continue to tell me that you dont care and that you dont want to care. you can continue to tell yourself that things went this way because i didnt love you. you dont believe me when i tell you i do anyway. tell me to leave, hug me, fight me, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me all my flaws. i can do nothing about this. it's my fault. all of it. all that went wrong...i did...to us. and i dont know how to live with that. i have no method to cope with this. i will simply do as you wish. no matter if the apologies turn into it really being my fault. maybe that means leave(and hope). maybe that means stay (and hope). i will not fight with you anymore. i will not respond to your snide cutting remarks justified or not...hypocritical or not. true or not. not anymore. i just want to get past the hurt.i want you to get past the hurt. i just ask that you pick one and go with it. no nevermind i dont ask that. i cant ask anything. give me what you will. toss at me what you deam necessary or deserved. i cherish what time you give me too much to continue fighting or being upset during it. i want too much to be able to comfort you and be there for you to let myself be upset with this. keep saying your piece. keep it all up. im done fighting. im still here to enjoy you. im still here hoping i get to hold you again someday. and pet your hand. im still here hoping ill feel your lips on my hand, my forehead, my lips again and hoping im the one who rubs your shoulders when youre sore after work(or just 'cause). im still here hoping to bring you tea when your tired or run to the gas station for you simply because you would rather not. to have lunch with you at the diner and hear about your day. to talk of movies or books or goings on in the world. to be the one you want to call first because of the joy and comfort it brings you. you say thats improbable(if your in a bad mood impossible) but im still here. im still here wanting nothing more than to be a reason you smile. im still here.

after that kind of release i always find myself a little more cynical. a little more pisssed at hope. what the fuck is wrong with me. its like it doesnt count if i dont loose everything before i gain it back. fuck. i am really begining to worry about my stability. at the open mic last night i played for the first time. the guy who runs it is a brilliant guitarist. when i was finished he came to me and talked with me about how much he had enjoyed what i had played. Now, he might say this to everyone...and thats fine, but i almost burst into tears when he was talking to me. why cant i handle this...maybe i just need to sleep. to sink. to taste a little bit of peace. these arnt games and im not the same im not who i set out to be.

in other and (im sure)far more interesting news...
i went and worked out with the dance academy today. fucking hardcore. kicked my ass. id be lying if it didnt both feel great to be that physicaly expended and make me realize how fucking out of shape i am. i miss my athletic grace. i miss my grace under fire. my strengh. my confidence. i miss all these thngs that used to be inherently me. things of which i could always be proud. on the other hand i still find myself not sure what to care about and therefor im starting to put everything into the dont care or "doesnt matter" pile. a war of one.
who knows.

what a horrible nightmare. so thick with the stench of inner rot i can still make out that acrid smell.so familiar. i never stole fire so why me. and there certainly have never been any gods near by. none i wish to acknowledge at any rate.

im still shaking.fuck.

a chill wednesday i guess. a day full of teaching. day started out tutoring Corwin and then i started my new job today. two classes 4 and 5 year olds and a six and up class. it seems like a nice group of people and...i felt a little better to be teaching again. it was a nice...breath. now i sit in my living room on a fully loaded couch with a fully loaded belly...thats right pizza, bile, and self hatred...fully fucking loaded. i think ima ditch the open mic tonight this tv watching is so calm and nice. i daydream so much it scares me. im constantly not "here" and no i dont fucking know where i am. There's a leak somewhere. this all tastes bad. still dont know what im writing. sorry for the drivel. sorry for ____________.

Quite a relaxing sunday, i caught up on some very much needed sleep while my roomates collectively collected porn for a present, worked on some personal organization, or slept themselves. the later to wake up cranky. i myself had a blast just haning out with myself today. went to a chinese buffet and ate them out of salmon...then rented some movies. watched said movies. all closing in on some alone time coffee at perkins. a good sunday indeed.
Tomorrow i have an interview at the Alexander Eye institute.

So the calmness i spoke of earlier has continued(i know i know, WOW a whole day and a half!) but hey...that's good for me. anyway... g'night.

one hell of a long day at work...i might actually, God in heaven dare i even say it, get some decent sleep tonight. coffee with the girl is still a great way to wake up no matter the content of conversation(which is not to say that it was all bad) i feel much calmer. not happier. not less alone. not less shunned. not any less of how bad ive felt but im no longer clawing at the walls. jumping up and down...im...calm. so here's to the strengh i have with in. ill make it through this. do your worst rest of this hellish year of our lord 2006. come what may 2007. im...calm...

on a side note...i made a hell of a lot of money tonight. think ill call guitar phil and see what he's up to. or work on my novel(god damn thats funny to say)

nanowrimo is upon us and not an inspiration is to be found. national novel writing month starts today. not sure where im going with that. im currently on my way to a blue collar bar in search of musings. after that i think some coffee and a journal should do the trick. housemates in tow, here we go.

Dear Red Hot Chilli Peppers,
I get it. California kicks ass. You like it alot. That's enough please.
Sincerly,
an old fan

All the kings horses...

So many emotions cycle throughout my days. Everywhere i turn, i see something ive lost. internal, external, real, imagined, my fault, or yours. i can watch it twisting turning and spinning out of my control and at other times there i am the universe yeilds to my every whim. more often the former.

All the kings men...

kiki has ment the world to me ever since i burst into her house that summer night. got drunk. got naked. pissed off her brother peed in a neighbors tree and fell into a friendship so much more important and beautiful than i ever imagined i would get to experiance. she gets married in less than 24 hours. i will not be there. this is her choice not mine. i love her i love her husband (still to be for a little while yet) i wish them so much. good luck you two. when i broke...apparently there was fallout least expected. maybe i dont think enough maybe im expected to keep public. who fucking knows. she says i hurt her when i stayed silent about my hurt. i say i should have been more understood. whos fault that is im not certain.

Couldn't put Rhys...

So much more i have lost and gained and lost and gained. it feels like quicksand. Quicksand that has developed more patients than a fucking mountain. each step closer to the one thing i care most about fixing...i do something thoughtless(not necessarily big, but thoughtless) and all hope dashed. im fucking up because i dont know where to put most of my thoughts. their validity fades in and out and it all seems meaningless one moment the next it is a matter of life and death. ive been called everything from a coward to "the real deal" whatever the fuck that means. ive gotten better about crying by my self. the mask fits more comfortably now and i think that might hellp me get by for a bit.

Back together again.

I spend most of my waking day(ok i dont really sleep that much anymore(ok i do spend time with my eyes closed, but it really doesnt amount to much)) feeling sick to my stomach. my heart is doing that wierd polyrythmic bullshit that it started 4 years ago. milk doesnt help anymore. im not sure if the best move is for me to distance myself from the situations(s) so full of hurt. a bit of a disconect the dots existance. and pour myself in to things that once held so much meaning for me. superpresence did nothing but further punish and rub noses where they rarely belong.

p.s. there are silverlinings a bit of a plus for the all encopassing minus. i have been meeting more and more people to play guitar with. more than that guitar seems like something i could be. the fear i have develped at somepoint is that the more i pour focus into something such as guitar or painting...the less i put outside. im terrified that i will be missplacing my intrest. She is the most important...i want to win her back. this at the same time seems like i would need to give her space and yet stand there reassuringly showing that she is my number one intrest.
also...
i NEED to paint. i love paint i love art i miss paint i miss art. i think i should take myself a bit more serious when i say shit like that.

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dryrot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."